takes.

i don't love recklessly like that. love is an art. and it's not abstract. it's a delicacy. it takes tactic. it takes skill..... at my level at least.... at our level at least. it takes craftsmanship. it takes patience. it takes time. it takes effort.  

it takes. and it gives. oh, it gives.  

conversations with a mogul that got lost through the portal

i think there was a time in my life before you in which i prided myself on my independence and my lack of ability to establish and maintain a connection with another. i'd tell myself that any energy outputted from my end would be better off invested on myself, than on somebody else. at that point in time, i never imagined myself putting so much faith and entrusting another the way i believe and trust in you. i have always been so self fulfilling and have operated on my own wavelength. people's  frequencies and their urge to constantly have their needs met with disregard to what toll that took on me and my being was draining. therefor, i never really had the desire, or the energy, to feed fires, or extinguish them for that matter.... habitually, i'd just let them blaze 'til they eventually died out. I know they read me now like they read me then; my self, an open book. they nick and pick at my structure, my complex simplicity. they've always taken from my essence to satisfy their necessities. and they let themselves be consumed with what ever it was they found in me. so lost amongst the results that they were ignorant to the collateral damage (me. my being. my self). such a fine, thin line, in equilibrating the give to take ratio. i gave. i'd give. and it all ended at, what about me? what about myself? no one ever stopped to think, what is it that i could do for her? she's good, she's awesome, but what can i do to make her better. the work of oneself on themselves is always a work in progress. one is forever growing, learning, experiencing- not one single event, moment, or phase is singular- they all amount to our whole. we are all just an accumulation of first drafts (finals and rough) sloppily stapled together into a single, final product. i have theorized that the world is divided into the conformist and the nonconformist, the people who need stability and those who comfort makes uncomfortable. i've lived and have loved long enough to know that there are different types of loves, and i've yet to experience two of the same type. and i think that's ok. you won't be able to break down the psychology and/or the walls of every single person you meet, you won't be able to find fulfillment in fulfilling someone else's needs in every relationship that you're in..... and that's ok. that is good. it makes for experiences, for adventure, for growing, for learning, for loving love. the beauty in life is that you are at freedom to personalize it to your liking. everyone has different needs, different wants. i live mine to my standards, to my own expectations, to my liking, to my loving. and that single on fact has been the hit or miss factor between me and all the others. love is the most powerful emotion. it starts and ends wars, it knows no boundaries, no limits, no restrictions. love heals, love destroys. i've destroyed, i've healed. and, i'm here again. but it's not like before, and it won't ever be like this again. that forever vacant chamber of my heart is currently occupied. it feels good. it feels right. it feels different. it feels extraterrestrial. it doesn't imprison me. it doesn't box me in a 4x4, as i once feared. it doesn't blind me, it enlightens me. it doesn't judge me, it frees me from having preconceived notions pinned to me. I've always been free, and i've never feared commitment. i feared settling and feeling like i settled. that's not an option, it never was, it won't ever be. i'm the girl who loves to be alone in the dim lit room with her bright dark thoughts. but nothing feels better than to be left alone with you in a dark room, bringing out the light in one another. what that's done for me, oh, what that's done for me......

conversations with a mogul that got lost through the portal.  

 

open letter to the human race.

female to female defamation and verbal backlashing is disgusting. disgusting. actually, it's disgusting regardless of the sex involved. i have to deal with this all time time. and it kills me. i am a happy individual. i am a thankful individual. i personally feel as if in order to be happy for someone else, you need to be happy with yours first. and i am so happy and thankful for mines... i will be the first person in a room to congratulate and praise someone for their merit. i was awarded the employee of the year award at work a few days ago, and a coworker decided to go on Facebook and post very negative, and plain disgusting comments about me. My supervisor showed me her post and asked me how i'd liked to proceed and if I wanted to report it to human resources. frankly, i was in complete shock. I did not feel one ounce of doubt, insecurity, or question on my abilities and the work I've put in to get where I am today. Because I know I made it where I did for myself and by myself. I know the people that I work with and for conceived notions of me equal those of my own. I couldn't help but feel pity for her. That she had to take time out of her time to vent on Facebook about her personal inference of me and my image. I just couldn't believe someone who looks at me in the face everyday could have such strong negative things to say about me and not to me. So i began to question to myself, is her life that miserable that she had to really, regardless of if her belief about me were valid or invalid, go on a social network to vent about me. For an accolade? Does she really not have people in her life to praise her and remind her of her worth that she has to go and literally shit on someone else's accomplishment..? the thought of that just baffled me. I told my supervisor that frankly she's already damaged her own image enough for me to do anything about the matter. her opinion truthfully didn't offend me. if anything i was offended that she'd put herself in those predicaments over my accomplishments. who knows what she has outside the work place that she feels like this is her place to shine and to try and make those of us who are legitimately just on our own happy lane doing our own happy thing feel like we aren't doing right. if anything this experience just moved me for the better. i had to thank everyone who is involved in my life and has made a difference in my life. who've helped me and have supported me to get me to where i am today. i couldn't have done this without them. i could of been her and she could of been me. but no. i am me. and I am so thankful for it. and i just want to inspire and get the message across to people that at the end of the day, you only have what you have. whether you've worked for it, stolen, lied, cheated, earned it. you can't lie about your character. everything you let into your life and everyone you let into your life will end up building or destroying your character. and i just really hope and wish that everyone in this world would take that into consideration. are you happy with yourself? can you be happier? are you happy for others? could you be happy for others? are the people in your life worthy of you? are you worthy of them? what's your space like: is it negative, is it positive? do you drain others or do you fuel them? do better. for yourself. and you will directly and indirectly improve and help in the evolution of humanity. because apparently after trillions of years, as a race, we devolve every day. don't be one of those people. for the sake of human kind and for your being, just don't.