takes.

i don't love recklessly like that. love is an art. and it's not abstract. it's a delicacy. it takes tactic. it takes skill..... at my level at least.... at our level at least. it takes craftsmanship. it takes patience. it takes time. it takes effort.  

it takes. and it gives. oh, it gives.  

conversations with a mogul that got lost through the portal

i think there was a time in my life before you in which i prided myself on my independence and my lack of ability to establish and maintain a connection with another. i'd tell myself that any energy outputted from my end would be better off invested on myself, than on somebody else. at that point in time, i never imagined myself putting so much faith and entrusting another the way i believe and trust in you. i have always been so self fulfilling and have operated on my own wavelength. people's  frequencies and their urge to constantly have their needs met with disregard to what toll that took on me and my being was draining. therefor, i never really had the desire, or the energy, to feed fires, or extinguish them for that matter.... habitually, i'd just let them blaze 'til they eventually died out. I know they read me now like they read me then; my self, an open book. they nick and pick at my structure, my complex simplicity. they've always taken from my essence to satisfy their necessities. and they let themselves be consumed with what ever it was they found in me. so lost amongst the results that they were ignorant to the collateral damage (me. my being. my self). such a fine, thin line, in equilibrating the give to take ratio. i gave. i'd give. and it all ended at, what about me? what about myself? no one ever stopped to think, what is it that i could do for her? she's good, she's awesome, but what can i do to make her better. the work of oneself on themselves is always a work in progress. one is forever growing, learning, experiencing- not one single event, moment, or phase is singular- they all amount to our whole. we are all just an accumulation of first drafts (finals and rough) sloppily stapled together into a single, final product. i have theorized that the world is divided into the conformist and the nonconformist, the people who need stability and those who comfort makes uncomfortable. i've lived and have loved long enough to know that there are different types of loves, and i've yet to experience two of the same type. and i think that's ok. you won't be able to break down the psychology and/or the walls of every single person you meet, you won't be able to find fulfillment in fulfilling someone else's needs in every relationship that you're in..... and that's ok. that is good. it makes for experiences, for adventure, for growing, for learning, for loving love. the beauty in life is that you are at freedom to personalize it to your liking. everyone has different needs, different wants. i live mine to my standards, to my own expectations, to my liking, to my loving. and that single on fact has been the hit or miss factor between me and all the others. love is the most powerful emotion. it starts and ends wars, it knows no boundaries, no limits, no restrictions. love heals, love destroys. i've destroyed, i've healed. and, i'm here again. but it's not like before, and it won't ever be like this again. that forever vacant chamber of my heart is currently occupied. it feels good. it feels right. it feels different. it feels extraterrestrial. it doesn't imprison me. it doesn't box me in a 4x4, as i once feared. it doesn't blind me, it enlightens me. it doesn't judge me, it frees me from having preconceived notions pinned to me. I've always been free, and i've never feared commitment. i feared settling and feeling like i settled. that's not an option, it never was, it won't ever be. i'm the girl who loves to be alone in the dim lit room with her bright dark thoughts. but nothing feels better than to be left alone with you in a dark room, bringing out the light in one another. what that's done for me, oh, what that's done for me......

conversations with a mogul that got lost through the portal.  

 

connections and relations.

the words that count are the ones that can't be fabricated. they can't be computed. they can't be thought up. they are words that result as the direct effect of experience. of life. of emotions. there's a tone that you have to establish as a writer. you must establish this for yourself on your own. people ask me why before i start reading a book i spend countless hours, days, weeks researching a writer's backgrounds and life. well, because we are a result of our surroundings. of our experiences. they aren't just words. they are never, just words. when you get to know the background information: what that writer was going through, what that writer believes in, what drives that writer; the reading experience changes a full 360 degrees. You no longer are just reading. you develop empathy, sympathy, fascination, disgust for what that writer created as a direct result of everything else he/she went through in their life. As readers we get to skip the experience and go straight to the conclusion. the final draft. the masterpiece. we get to rob a person of their thoughts. of their ideas. of their existence. and we get to filter, internalize, store, discard, and/or take from that person and their words. what have our way with their material. writers put their words out to the world so that the world could do what they want with them. A writer gifts you. I feel obligated to study them. To learn about them. I have to because i know what's it's like to be at the other side of the table. There's a certain writer-and-reader relation to be formed, always. As a writer, you know you've succeeded when your work establishes that connection with the target audience. There's a level of nakedness one uncovers when they write. Just as with every other branch of art, not only literary. We peel back a layer of what we are with every piece that we create, and expose it to the world. Not for the world to accept, to reject, to question, but to make them feel. I just want you to feel. When ever i look, see, and/or hear art, i just feel. That's what i feel art truly and finally aims to do. I don't want people to ever read my shit and tell me it's beautiful. or that it's horrible. or that i should publish. or that i should quit. forget about me and the relation (whether it be attachment or detachment) that i have formed with my art. don't even talk to me about it because when it comes to my art, i am sensitive to that shit.  forget about how highly or lowly i think of myself as an artist. that's not the point. as creators we don't create for the audiences constructive or destructive criticism, unless we specifically ask for it. why do people feel so obliged to always give their two cents? is it because people exploit freedom of speech because they don't have no freedom of mind? when it comes to your mind, is it free? what is that freedom costing you (your peace of mind, maybe)? you're diminishing your experience when it comes to art the second you start questioning and adding commentary to the artist's intent, their craft, their work. just don't. you're an individual. you're the most worthy individually and you owe yourself the knowledge of who you are and what you like/what you don't, what makes you feel/what you do with those feelings/what do those feelings make you want to do. i feel like the artist creates to present to the world their individuality. to expose who they are, who they truly think they are. i think the goal of the art community is really, at its core, is a group of individuals who have a well formed, well supported idea of who they are, what they like, what drives them, and they aim to exchange all of that energy in an attempt for the other members of the group to take from what is shared with them, taking all of it and making it their own. like, i'm sharing my art with you, here you go, i hope it makes you feel something, and what ever it does for you, i hope you can take and keep with you and build yourself up with it. i hope you can take what you need from my art and make it your own, and use that to make yourself a better person. or don't. and if you can't at least, maybe, share it with someone who can use it. i put my words out to the open for myself. i write for myself. i have never written for somebody else. never will i write for somebody else. the subjects and topics of my creation are situations that i've lived through, people that i have encountered, experiences that have built me in an attempt to destroy me, people who have loved me, people who i've loved, people who i've created with, people who i've destroyed with. my pen bleeds blood. it doesn't bleed ink. it's more than just words to me. it is more than just words to me. i don't care if you like my writing. i don't care if you adore my writing. at the end of the day, if you read you will react, and i will have made you feel (indifference is a feeling, too). take what you want from this. discard what you want from this. feel what you have to. but use it all to build yourself up, for yourself. too many people take somebody else's idea and call it their own. don't. there's a way around it. if you like something that belongs to somebody else, make it your own. edit, arrange it, break it, set it on fire, but do it your own way and turn it into something you can benefit from. make something made by you for you, and do it by yourself. you will never achieve to be somebody else. science made sure of this by encrypting your DNA, and it is different than every single other person on this planet. you need to own it. stop cheating yourself of your self. it won't get you anywhere, ever.  live. and let live. create. and let create. people seem to be so consumed by the issues of the world, but the root of the problem is the individual. the individual. you, i. and at the end of the day that's one if not the only thing we have control to change. if you better yourself and you work on yourself, if you're lucky enough you'll have some sort of influence, if even the most minuscule, impact on those and that which surrounds you. people don't need validation, they don't need rejection, they don't need approval, they don't need denial- most of the time they just need acceptance, and an environment that welcomes them. good people do horrible things. bad people do beautiful things. that will never change. but it is possible, for you, as a person, and a single individual to find and environment that allows you to thrive at your fullest, and allows for those that surround you and interact with you to do the same. what could possibly be more beautiful than that? to be you, and to have the people that surround you feel at ease to be themselves, and to help each other grow. just grow. live and let live.