the lottery.

my phone was on 2%, i jotted down my thoughts on a napkin at this bar that i went to, to escape the thoughts in my mind. 

one thing turned to another, and i lost that napkin. or rather exchanged it with a stranger in the night who needed those words more than i did at the time.  

years went by, and that stranger is now me. and i can't remember to save my life what that thought read. and all i have is a seven digit note of a number that i never called. 

and although i think about it at times, i never do. 

the value of words.

may my words make it to you in the times when my actions fall short. 

i'm imperfect. i'm flawed. just like you. just like the times have made us out to be. that's no excuse. that's no justification. it's a lousy explanation. but my word, that's all i have these days ... 

for the art.

eat your words and feed my pupils. 

 for the art. all for sake of the fucking art.  

tell her.

tell my mother i'm a better woman than these words make me out to be.  

tell your mother i'm a better woman than these words make me out to be.  

tell her.  

truth or dare.

ive been here before, searching for facts.

ive been here before, searching for courage.

i didn't find either. 

but, i did lose you here. some where in this space: of uncertainty, fear, and self doubts... maybe yours, maybe mine.

as for myself, it's hard to say if i'm being honest with you and lying to myself.

or vice versa..... who am i to say, we weren't ourselves those days, or were we ?

i found you amongst these words. but i lost you there, too.  

i'm sorry, i'm a better woman than my words make me out to be....... but i'd be lying if i were to tell you that i don't attribute all of my virtues and all of my shortcomings to them too.  

i'm sorry. i'm sorry.  

by the time these thoughts make it out, we'll be searching for the pieces of ourselves we destroyed in an other.... won't we ? 

all those things that you hate about me, are the same ones that draw you closer to me.

you put the pen in my hand and you beg me not to tear you apart.