the chronicles of the unwritable: injection

and I saw him develop..
as a writer, as a lover, as a being. 
witnessed the sacrifices he made, mostly at the sake of others.
i observed him and I learned that he was meant to be loved from afar... like almost every other man i'd come across. 
see the thing about love and other feelings is that the moment hands become involved and touches are exchanged, hearts tend to break. 
 

some times as creative individuals we don't think twice before eliminating sources of negativity and draining the one's that inspire us... we cut, cutting away at the essence of others. we dehumanize them by using them as props: we take what we can to fuel our creativity, and leave the rest to waste. 

i'm familiar with the process.. familiar with the cycles.. but this time i wasn't the one holding the pen. i was the prop. the quote. the muse. dehumanized.

you dehumanized me. 

my purpose was solemnly inspirational...
it was almost as if you couldn't save me from myself, so instead you chose to immortalize me in your writing.

you robbed me of my words, of my flesh, of my knowledge. of my self.

you drained me of my blood and used it to sign your name. 

quit draining me slowly. 

load your gun of ammunition, point it at me and pull the trigger. 
aim it at my essence and rid me of it all. do it fast. don't flinch, i need you to handle the recoil this time. i need you to count your bullets this time. i need you to aim to kill this time.  because i don't want to keep playing this game of russian roulette in which there's no telling if this time, it's really the end. 

drain me of you. 

your faults, your flaws, your demons... because they all became mine too.

and you tell me to put down the pen. to close the book. to look at you. that you're here. to stop. stop it all. stop analyzing this all. to stop beating myself against these pages. and you'll scream "I love you" out of despair. but you don't. you can't. you won't. 

you know you can't save me from this fight where it's me against myself.. time after time.

i can't burn. i can't break. i can't feel. you've encapsulated me inside your mind in a state where i can't flee. where i'm in love with the eternal ethereal version of me you've created. 

and the only reason why we've both lasted this long in this ring is because it's me against myself and you against your demons.... and, its gone on for so long because we both had bigger battles to fight within us than the ones that were going on between us. 

i'm too exposed love and knowing what you are capable doesn't make me less vulnerable.  

muses never die..... but immortality has its price.  

humanity, that's what you robbed me of.  

and although the pain, lies, and battles won't end me, one day; you will. 

the compatibility theory

someone asked me what compatibility means to me: 

i think too many people lose the essence of themselves trying to transform into the "missing puzzle piece". i don't ever want that to be me & or my partner. human relationships shouldn't be restricting but rather encouraging. people develop/thrive/grow in different situations/environments. relationships should be freeing. if we could both continue to develop while respecting each other's environment/pace/conditions meanwhile motivating and supporting the others growth and progress, that's compatibility. 

yes, my partner will have flaws. 

i have flaws.

the flaws should be minimal and easily overlooked. if i ever catch myself asking someone to change for me or changing for someone because i am asked to, i hope one of us realizes that we are incompatible and sets the other free. 

if our similarities out-weight our differences and we value each other as much as we value ourselves, i hope we'd be flexible enough to adapt to each other without losing our "self".

he laughed, and said "that's why you are single". 

Deep Shit

the moment right before reality transcends into dreaming .... the millisecond before confusion, when we are both still lucid ... 

the moment before my lips touch yours, before our clothes fall to the floor, right before our souls make or fail to connect...

the moment before fate and karma take matters into their own hands, and blow shit out of proportion, and things stop making sense... 

tell me, what do you call that frame of time? 

the moment when something great is developing, but you're still unsure if you're about to witness a catastrophic disaster or a miraculous blessing... 

tell me, what do you call the moment in time when you're ready to be ripped into pieces in order to find the piece that will make you whole. 

define that moment for me.

the moment of clear uncertainty,  where mystery either fuels or drains us of our courage. 

it is in that moment that we discover that we aren't meant for everyone we'd like to belong to. 

love is a war fought in our souls in which compatability is the enemy, time and environment cause casualties, and the desired outcome is always arbitrary; because half the time, neither side knows what the fuck they are fighting for. 

how seldomly in life do we find someone who is willing to defy the odds, say "fuck you" to the impossibilities and obstacles that life sets, and is willing to temp fate with you- hand in hand...?

as seldom as two souls connect in that moment of inbetween's, mystery, and pre-catastrophe. 

Him, Me, & Darkness: The Chronicles

Lost in sin. 

Lost in you. 

Fuck the parliament. 

Fuck the divine law. 

I'll sin my way to virtue. 

I'll sin my way to you. 

Tell them keep their high morals... 

I'm keeping you. 

I don't care for control... when it comes to you, I have none.

I have none.

Temperance, patience, and discretion don't exist in the dark. 

Me, you, and this darkness. 

Unrestrained, but these feelings are requited.  

Because I want you. i want you all. in every single way. and i know you feel the same. 

dark matter, i'm attracted to you. 

gray matter, i should know better.

but what's better than you?

what's better than this?

 him, me, and the darkness 

Incompatibility: The Simply Complicated Theory.

I envied his simple mindedness... the fact that I could walk through his deep-end with my nose above the water came as a relief to me, At that point in time, the fact that I could stand ashore and not worry about being washed out at any given point was comforting. His currents and wave-lengths were predictable to me, His complacency with himself and his surroundings and his lake of curiosity intrigued me. I studied him for months. The way silence troubled him, and his need for constant reassurance that he hadn't done anything wrong. He had this certain need to please other beings,.. sometimes to the extent of neglecting his own desires in order to fulfill those of others. "What's on your mind?", "Nothing", I'd reply in attempts to summarize that my mind had eloped me and left me stranded. He didn't understand me. To him, the mere thought of silence and detachment signified isolation... He couldn't have that. To him, my need to escape from myself merely often was incomprehensible. "What are you running from?", "Let me in, Open up". He couldn't grasp the idea that certain individuals need solitude and silence to thrive. I was always in the process of becoming, and he, he was just caught in a constant. Constantly there. He asked questions that he didn't want the answers to, he asked questions that he wouldn't understand the answers to... Eventually all the questions seized and he accepted all the things he didn't understand. In a world of uncertainty I understood him. I caught myself slowing down. Lack of mental stimulation had me hitting white walls. I think I stopped becoming, solemnly because I knew that he wouldn't understand, it wouldn't make a difference, so why continue to evolve. His hands would touch me, but he couldn't feel me. His lips would kiss me, but his words wouldn't move me. His eyes would see me, but he couldn't read me. There's so much complexion to human connections beyond physical attractions. How quick are we to undress our bodies for beings who we'd never show our soul to?  In all my nakedness, he would never see my core... I could see through him, he was see-through- That gave me an unfair emotional advantage, and led me to realize how rarely in life we find someone who's emotional intelligence is equivalent to that of our own. It made me realize how many times in life we are mentally abused and how many times we abuse. I, aware of all of my capabilities, didn't exploit him. Perhaps because I'm not that type of person, perhaps because he was too kind for me to; either/or. In order for me to not exploit him I seized to grow. I was blocked. He drained me. I'd try to get away to refuel just to be drained again. Him in all his simplicity and me in all my complexity.. How could he accept someone that he didn't understand and how could I reject someone I had already deciphered? Both unquestionable questions.  I envied his simple mindedness, the way he could love blindly. Complicated beings like myself don't know how to love or let themselves be loved... We love people and things that we don't understand, and destroy the ones that we do, purposefully and/or indadvertedly. We might do it out of habit, maybe even as a defense mechanism. The mind needs to be challenged in order to evolve. .. Perhaps that's why we are attracted to mystery. Yes, perhaps thats why.