just be

but tigers can't hide their stripes, the wolves never lose sleep over the opinion of the sheep, and although you can clip a birds wings you can't cage his mind in. i can't stay in one place for too long mentally or physically. but, that never threatened you, it was rather comforting. the freedom to be and let the other be. you have to chose your constants carefully. you have to learn to differentiate your poisons from your antidotes and that a big majority of the time, all the things than can imprison you, can free you as well. you are freedom. it's freeing to me to know that you're freely mine. if anything, you are my constant. you and I, we don't let these cages contain us. we don't let the light blind us. we don't let preconceived notions shape us. i wear my stripes for you, as a reminder that i could devour you, but chose not to. you spread your wings and you fly into the horizon every night, and i, i would never try to clip them. i can only hope that you'll fly back to me every time. possibilities are as wide as the horizon, but perhaps you'll fall in love with your view of it all from a standpoint where i'm across from you. it weighs on me, the weight of the world. peoples notions of how everything should be. while solemnly, what ever will be, will be. that applies to everything. it applies to us. and the idea of it fascinates me. the theory of probability. what are the chances? what are our chances? what were the chances? i don't know. who cares, anyways? we are here today, and so are the tigers, the sheep, the wolves, the birds. we all are... some of us because we have to, others because we are free to just be. just be. 

messages i was unable to hit the send button on. 5/11/15 @ 7:07 AM

haven't felt love in so long before you. 

did i ever even feel love before you? 

sometimes it feels like that shit is so unattainable. is that even in the cards for me? are you within reach of me? i'm out of touch with these things. all of these beginnings with foreseen premature endings have jaded me. i don't see an end to this. when ever this is over you will have taken so much from me. but how much life have we created for one another. i'm lifted.. up so high, suspended by you. there's a long way down from here. but, i haven't felt love in too long, and that was at a time before you. not sure if i ever even felt love before you. before this. and maybe this isn't even love. and nothing ever was. and nothing ever will be. perhaps i have evolved passed it all. i know i still have learning to do. still have living to do. still have errors to make. but if my denotations and connotations of the word love stopped evolving at you, i'd let you rob me of the experience and knowledge. spare me of the disappointments. of the energy expended on attempting to make the transition from temporary to forever. isn't it cynical to expect something to last an eternity when not even we, human beings, do..? sometimes, i question if what i want, is what i really want, or if it's just something that i need, so i force myself to want it. sometimes when i think of all the damage we can cause each other it makes me want to force quit. but that's not an option at this point. there's a long way down from here, that i know. and i can't underestimate the fall, but it doesn't frighten me. not nearly as much as it should. perhaps i'm just too high, and that numbs me. numb to it all, but i've managed to feel your love. so, that's got to mean something, don't it? or maybe i just need it to. maybe i just need you to feel it, too. what does that make me? where does that leave us. what's out there for us? how selfish is it of me to want you for myself. how repulsive is it for me to think of somebody else besides you. im all over the place mentally. you're all over my mental. that's the thing with emotions, once you welcome one in, dominoes effect, a whole bunch of them crash down on you. that's the beauty and that's the curse of feeling. that's what makes us humans. i turned it all off for a while. it was the only way to get through what i was going through. i made it here.  surrounded by these new feels. stuff i've never felt before. feelings i didn't know existed. shit i'm not a-costumed to. and you hold me. all of me. and for someone who can't stay in one place mentally or physically for long, to be held, it means something. to be somewhere physically and mentally with no interest in what's next or the urge to elope, it's easing on the spirit: to be held freely captive. perhaps that's all i've ever wanted. up to date, at least. you hold me. highly lifted..... and there's a long way down from here.... but there's also so much further up that we could go. 

messages i was unable to hit the send button on. 10/13/14 @0558

everything is spinning. how did i end up in the UK?shouldve checked the fucking Louis, i'm out here with too much baggage... lol, control?"im all out of it".... since we're being honest, and these flights are the only thing left that's private...  i'm just getting started, keep the cups coming. this money seems to be the only thing i have in abundance, and it always ends up getting me in some kind of trouble..... so it comes in handy that i'm surrounded by solutions, mix them all until my drink turns pink. coloring my life now, trying to get myself out of this gray area that you left me in. go ahead and fucking judge me for coloring out of the lines if you deam it necessary. you and your necessities, sick and tired of your psychopathetic tendencies, so spare me of the lectures, ive already learned the lesson... but the consequences don't out weight the rewards so believe me when i tell you that I'm in control of the uncontrollable; or don't, i could give a fuck less and you haven't seen me angry, yet. what, you're the only one allowed to express emotions? try to deny it, so that we can further discuss the fact that assaulting me at the clubs i attend isn't the way to press issues. come on now, you didn't actually think that you could tie up all the lose ends by holding me tight, did you? wish you would've realized how aware I was of your unawareness before i had to cut ties. wish i didn't have to bring up shit from the past. remember when you said "this is the last last", yeah, well we had four beginnings after that... and when things went south between us because your career was headed north, and you had to focus on the music you tried to pin it all on me and my new interest over seas...  and at that point, I wasn't even the only one you were seeing, so who's really got the nerves? every time my hand slips, it cuts throats. bet you didn't know that metaphors could hurt before me. bet you didn't know poetry could kill til just now. aren't you signed now? yeah, i'm still dodging headlines so quit attempting to open back up old wounds just so that you can dig your quill pen in them and use my blood as ink... you have to find yourself a new source of inspiration and explore another form of self expression, because i'm done plucking feathers and letting you rob me of pieces of me that aren't up for the taking. as if dealing with the aftermath isn't enough, now you want to drop by when ever you deem appropriate and leave me alone to deal with the collateral damage. I'm sick and tired of cleaning up your messes and catching heat with how i decide to cope with the damage. do you not see me transitioning, what is it, are you just mad that i've evolved past your bullshit? are you that blind as to not see that you're your worst enemy and that its just you vs you in the ring and I quit refereeing a thousand fights ago. quit provoking me, i hate stupping down to your level just to show you that we're still not seeing eye to eye and that i'm just seeing past you. everything is spinning but my decision is set in stone.... i'm in control and no longer willing to let you control me.... so if that makes me uncontrollable, so be it... i'm the writer of my own story now, and you're no longer a character, so juss know that these are the last characters i'm wasting on you. 

timeless time

i waited for you. 

as summer merged into winter.. 

and it left me with no way to spring back from the fall. 

because: 

waves could never wash off your fingerprints from my all..... 

these winter hues exploit the emptiness in the spaces of me that you once called home.

and, our moment of impact created craters on my soul that flowers will bloom from, eventually. 

but, time could never erase you. 

not after everything we did. 

not after everything we felt. 

not after everything we created. 

not even after everything we destroyed. 

i chose to immortalize you and let you encrypt yourself on to the pieces of me that are eternal... 

forever? you asked. 

forever, i said.

and, that was the only way. 

for the sake of the art

i don't usually do this, but this is what i usually say because that's what is usually expected, and that's just the way these things usually go. this time around, i want for things to be different because im tired of reliving experiences with minor detail changes, they all have drastic major endings, and it's time i put an end to it. so, before our beginning, and before the complications, let's, if even for a second, enjoy the simplicity, and the taste of this reciprocated and untainted notions, we have for one another... one day you'll just be one of the others; and i'll be here, hoping i've found the one in another... it's too early on for me to be feeling like i'm already too late, but i was in too deep by the time i realized it might be best to keep it shallow. i always do this even though i swear that i won't ever again, that's  just the way that these things go. you should go before you come and you find yourself wanting to stay to build with someone who's in a constant battle to destroy for the sake of creation... but if you don't want to go and you just want to come, it's best that you know that this is just for the sake of the art and as a creative  individual i will just find ways to artistically fuck you up. with all that said and all that's been done, keep in mind that the experience will be memorable, even though at some point you'll just want to forget it, but by then, i hope my impact on you has led you to the realization that pleasure is seldomly ever, not accompanied by pain. by then, I hope that we would've already created more than could be destroyed in one lifetime. by then, i hope you can look back at the art, and remember your cause..... because the effect you've had on me, will forever be reflected in me and my art.  

for the sake of the art, he is art. he-art. you'll forever be art in my heart.