haven't felt love in so long before you.

did i ever even feel love before you?

sometimes it feels like that shit is so unattainable. is that even in the cards for me? are you within reach of me? i'm out of touch with these things. all of these beginnings with foreseen premature endings have jaded me. i don't see an end to this. when ever this is over you will have taken so much from me. but how much life have we created for one another. i'm lifted.. up so high, suspended by you. there's a long way down from here. but, i haven't felt love in too long, and that was at a time before you. not sure if i ever even felt love before you. before this. and maybe this isn't even love. and nothing ever was. and nothing ever will be. perhaps i have evolved passed it all. i know i still have learning to do. still have living to do. still have errors to make. but if my denotations and connotations of the word love stopped evolving at you, i'd let you rob me of the experience and knowledge. spare me of the disappointments. of the energy expended on attempting to make the transition from temporary to forever. isn't it cynical to expect something to last an eternity when not even we, human beings, do..? sometimes, i question if what i want, is what i really want, or if it's just something that i need, so i force myself to want it. sometimes when i think of all the damage we can cause each other it makes me want to force quit. but that's not an option at this point. there's a long way down from here, that i know. and i can't underestimate the fall, but it doesn't frighten me. not nearly as much as it should. perhaps i'm just too high, and that numbs me. numb to it all, but i've managed to feel your love. so, that's got to mean something, don't it? or maybe i just need it to. maybe i just need you to feel it, too. what does that make me? where does that leave us. what's out there for us? how selfish is it of me to want you for myself. how repulsive is it for me to think of somebody else besides you. im all over the place mentally. you're all over my mental. that's the thing with emotions, once you welcome one in, dominoes effect, a whole bunch of them crash down on you. that's the beauty and that's the curse of feeling. that's what makes us humans. i turned it all off for a while. it was the only way to get through what i was going through. i made it here. surrounded by these new feels. stuff i've never felt before. feelings i didn't know existed. shit i'm not a-costumed to. and you hold me. all of me. and for someone who can't stay in one place mentally or physically for long, to be held, it means something. to be somewhere physically and mentally with no interest in what's next or the urge to elope, it's easing on the spirit: to be held freely captive. perhaps that's all i've ever wanted. up to date, at least. you hold me. highly lifted..... and there's a long way down from here.... but there's also so much further up that we could go.